Safeguarding Focus – separation and divorce
Separation and divorce aren’t easy. There may be bad feelings between the parents and their families. Children can pick up on this, which may confuse or upset them, or even lead to them blaming themselves for a break-up.
Working out how and when to tell children about a separation is never easy. Remember, that while sharing the news is a big step, it's one step of many. Separation and divorce aren't single events but processes that the whole family experiences.
When talking about a separation, it’s important to find the balance between sharing so much with your children that they become overwhelmed, or so little that they don’t understand what’s going on.
To support children during a separation and help them with their worries, it’s important to:
- remind them that both parents love them
- be honest when talking about it, but keep in mind the child's age and understanding
- be careful how you speak about your ex-partner, as any negative comments could make your children feel confused or resentful
- keep up routines, such as going to school and having specific mealtimes and bedtimes
- explain that it's OK to be sad, confused or angry and let them know they can talk about their feelings with you
Children’s responses
Children can have a wide range of feelings in response to your news, and their feelings could change over time. Particularly if they're younger, they might struggle to say exactly what it is that they're feeling. And no matter their age, some of their emotions may come out in their behaviour rather than their words.
Some common responses include:
- Anger – this could be directed at one or both parents or be a general sense of anger that their life is going to change.
- Being upset – children might be upset at the prospect of change, or shocked by the news.
- Grieving – children might grieve their 'old life' once the separation becomes a reality and they are having to get used to changes in the family.
- Withdrawing – it's natural for children to withdraw from family situations if they're feeling hurt or confused. It's important not to force them to do anything while they're adapting to the news.
- Relief – children pick up a lot on their parents' feelings, whether or not you've spoken about them. If it's been a tricky time for your family, a child might be relieved that something will be changing, and things could get better in time.
